“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
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It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog