person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
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Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
All is fair in drunk and war.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Haha good job!!
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??