I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
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Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
A family that plays together cheats.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka