This came to me in a dream.
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How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Thanks to a fan for this one.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti