Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
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when there are deer in the woods
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Solving a traffic jam
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
was Jim off killing horses or…
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay