[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
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If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?