Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
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[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Stop sending me this shit.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Not helping
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.