Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
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waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
My love language is deader than Latin
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.