“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
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3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*