Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
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Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
The 6 types of sex
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.