We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
You Might Also Like
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes