studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
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VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour鈥檚 lot.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Ok so why don鈥檛 we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Is fake venison called venisn鈥檛
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it鈥檚 new 馃槀馃ズ
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don鈥檛 feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: 鈻堚枅鈻堚枅鈻堚枅鈻堚枅
JUDGE: correct
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now