People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
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Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
My five year plan is a meteorite
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”