I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
when someone compliments me
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.