When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
You Might Also Like
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
ok like just. call me at this point
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.