Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
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Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
time for some seasonal decor
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.