Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
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Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Haha! 😂
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.