Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
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First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Cool shirt 🙂
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?