*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
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SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
notice
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…