Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
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Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
At an art museum and I thought this was art
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.