Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
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Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Support your local cemetery
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit