I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
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[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Dear nurses, you don鈥檛 have to announce my weight just write it down. That鈥檚 why I have my eyes closed when I鈥檓 on the scale.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we鈥檙e fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
鈥an walk up and down stairs
鈥an easily identify when someone is talking
鈥nows all US states except one
鈥nce ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
鈥an smell most numbers
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You鈥檙e acting like a baby !
6yo: And you鈥檙e acting like dad !
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Me: You should鈥檝e seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that鈥檚 a bird.
Me: I didn鈥檛 say he was interested
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 馃檮
馃惀馃悾
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it鈥檚 too late to start watching anything.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Why he land on that little girl like that鈽狅笍
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it鈥檚 your turn to hide
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right