♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
You Might Also Like
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
God making man in his image was the original selfie
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Who wants to be my Valentine?