*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
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No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.