***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
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wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Actually cracking up @ this
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?