me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
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Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af