[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
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the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.