4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
You Might Also Like
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest