Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
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you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
ok this is my dumbest yet
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.