Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
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The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
they finally got him. they got macavity
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.