“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
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PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
me adding lol on a serious message
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
uh oh
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.