Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
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I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes