Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
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“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?