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The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Blew out my flip flop…
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.