How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
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A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Baking is just science you can eat.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Happens to everyone.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court