I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
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Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Meow
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples