I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
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I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Awwwww shit.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.