[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
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thanksgiving should be called feaster
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again