Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
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Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”