[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
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No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.