[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
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Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe