“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
You Might Also Like
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
British websites use biscuits.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.