[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
You Might Also Like
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”