The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
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you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
seems like a niche market
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bro what is this
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.