no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
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HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.