*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
You Might Also Like
saving face 👀
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
mmm onion ringos
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper