I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
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ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.