Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
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Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil