What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
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What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Worth the read.