Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
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Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”